Same Old, Same Old

People say TV rots your brain. Well, I know the truth: it’s actually commercials that rot your brain … and maybe even your spinal cor … oh wait, I said that already.

 

Yeah, they’re still airing this commercial, despite the fact that it’s, what, three-years-old already. It’s done it’s job, let it die already Twix!

My main problem with this commercial is that it’s not even that funny. Two guys reading a book on picking up chicks; that just means they’re pathetic and lonely. One guy snickers at the other after a woman from his past confronts him and questions his choice of read; that just means his friend, like most friends, is a douche. The guy needs to stop time just to come up with pretty much the only option of word he has; seriously, what else could he have said? Guy and woman go off to “grab a coffee,” leaving douche-friend alone; eating chocolate gives you power over time?

 

Officially the most inappropriate comercial ever. Also, that’s one big Johnson.

 

One question: how do they expect this commercial to influence people to buy from Wendy’s? It’s basically just some guy ignoring his asian friend, who is kindly asking for another burger. That’s not advertising  food, that’s advertising how to be a bad friend. And the three dudes aren’t even well-known. The only one I recognize is the guy on the left, and that’s only from his very small role in The Dark Knight. They could’ve at least gone with someone a bit more famous, like Michael Cera. He’s the perfect person for this commerical. I don’t know why, but he is.

Well, my laptop’s battery is about to die, so this concludes today’s post. Maybe more commercials next time.

Don’t get your hopes up.

Random Paragraphs

Why haven’t I updated in a while you ask? Because I have no ideas, that’s why. So, for sake of having at least three updates this month, I’ll just write anything that comes to mind. And I’ll do it with the help of the greatest thing man has ever created: the paragraph.

 

I’ve noticed in recent Pillsbury commercials that the Doughboy’s belly has been terribly neglected. I see the commercial go by, advertising whatever new creation Pillsbury could possibly make from dough, and then comes the climax. The epic poking-of-the-belly that I was oddly waiting for is coming up. But no, it doesn’t happen. All I can think is “why?” Why would they not poke his stomach? What sane human being would see that plump, white gut and not  encounter the urge to poke it? Who? WHO?!!!

 

I read somewhere that when a person sees the colors red or yellow, it somehow causes them to experience hunger. Haven’t you ever wondered why every fast-food restaurant you can think of has red or yellow somewhere in their logo? Just look at McDonald’s, Jack-in-the-Box, Wendy’s, KFC, Long John Silvers, Subway, Quiznos, Sonic, Taco Bell, Popeyes, Panda Express, Dairy Queen, Chick-fil-A, Arby’s, and, of course, BurgerKing. All major food corporations; all successful; all red and yellow; all bad for your heart, kidney, and I’m pretty sure your spinal cord.

 

I don’t have a Facebook account. I don’t have a Twitter account. I have a MySpace account, but it’s poorly taken care of. I don’t have an iPhone or iPod. I don’t have a dog. I don’t like the Jonas Brothers. I don’t watch American Idol. I don’t have an Xbox 360. Why do I feel old?

 

I gave those cats in the attic to the guy under the freeway. He seemed, to me, to have a very responsible personality. I mean, you have to be responsible in order to take residence under freeways. You have to remember to wake up early in order to claim the good spot near the stop light and take advantage of all the people who are technically still asleep heading to work and wash their windshields with your handy newspaper. They’re awake enough to be able to drive, and asleep enough to actually hand over 5 bucks to that guy who sprayed down and smudged up their windows. You also have to remember to buy your beer before Walgreens closes.

I’m very sorry for this post.

What Was It?

For those of you who guessed cats, CONGRATULATIONS! You won nothing!

 

 

 

Guess Who….or What

Right now, as I’m relaxing on the couch in the living room, just surfin’ the web for no particular thing, I heard a scratching noise coming from above me. Apparently there’s something alive in the attic moving around, and I have no idea what it could be. Is it a rat? A cat? An orange, hairy beast with seven eyes? I don’t know.

So, now I’m thinking, why not turn this predicament into a game ,of sorts? In the comments section, tell me what you think is lurking in the dark up there, and when I find out what it is, we’ll see who’s right. And I’ll even help you out.

EVIDENCE:

• It sounds slightly like someone’s scratching their toenail against a cardboard box.
• There was an unknown cat outside the house when I arrived from work.
• I just heard a knock……two knocks.
• I heard a squeaking noise as well.
• Whatever it is, it won’t stop moving around up there.
• I’m kinda scared.

Could it be???

Top 5 Ways to Get on the News

5. Get mugged.

4. Mug someone and get caught.

3. Rob a bank.

2. Make faces behind a reporter during a live report on a random street corner.

1. See Jesus in a piece of toast.

Coming Soon: Part 3

I guess you can call this the “Oh God Hollywood, Please Don’t Make This” Edition.

Jurassic Park 4

Yes, you read that right; Hollywood wants to make yet another Jurassic Park movie, even though part 3 had a nice, conclusive ending. I’m guessing those Pterodactyls (holy crap, I spelled that right on my first try) found their way to a small town somewhere in the middle of Nebraska and are now wreaking havoc, and it’s probably up to Dr. Grant to stop them with his infinite knowledge of cloned dinosaurs made from frogs. Oh, and Jeff Goldblum might just feel the need to help him out.

Now, you may remember back in 2003 and 2004, when big news was being released about a fourth movie. It was planned to be released in summer 2005, but some writing issues caused them to push the release date to winter of that same year, which is foolish, as I doubt winter gets people in the mood for dinosaurs. However, Steven Spielberg didn’t like any of the scripts his henchmen were cranking out, and I can see why…

(from Wikipedia)

 In September 2004, screenwriter John Sayles was re-writing the script, with the film re-slated for a winter 2005 release. His second draft focused on the new character Nick Harris, who returns to Isla Nublar, the location of the first film, and retrieves Dennis Nedry’s can of frozen embryos. He is captured by the Grendel corporation, which now owns InGen, and he is hired to train five genetically modified Deinonychus as mercenaries.

Yes, you read that right too. Someone actually thought this was a good idea for a movie. First of all, if you’re captured by an evil corporation, why would they hire you? And second of all, how, and why, would you want a bunch of dinosaurs to be trained to be mercenaries. According to the dictionary, a mercenary is someone who is hired to take part in a conflict, usually with firearms. So I guess those theories of a possible dinosaurs-with-guns movie were true. Thank God Spielberg has a brain.

As of today, this film is probably not gonna happen. Phew.

Spider-Man 4

After the giant, unoriginal, suckiness that was Spider-Man 3, Sony still thinks it should make another one of these. Now, here’s the problem with movies. Generally, Part ones are pretty good. Part twos usually are better, as well as make more money in box offices. But things take a wrong turn on Successful Street when they decide to make a part 3, which usually ruin the entire franchise. Just look at Terminator.

And then there’s part 4s, which should never, ever be made. Part fours can bring nothing but pain and agony that just plain flush the franchise down the toilet. A very unkempt toilet… in a bathroom with feces covering the walls, and inappropriate slurs written in blood on the mirrors.

Sadly, a script has already been written for S-M4, and what’s even more worsery is that the script actually ties together with another script written for a planned part 5. But who are the antagonists gonna be this time? Green Goblin was in part 1, Doctor Octopus had part 2, and New Goblin, Venom and Sandman shared part 3. So who’s left? Maybe Carnage; maybe Scorpion; who knows? Only time will tell. Or, hopefully, maybe time won’t tell, and we can all continue our lives undisturbed.

Another X-Men movie

Let’s all be honest. X-Men: Wolverine wasn’t really good. It wasn’t good at all. So why make another one? I don’t know. And I don’t wanna find out. So let’s leave it alone.

Where’s Waldo?

This is not a lie! Universal Pictures actually wants to make a movie based on the Where’s Waldo? books. Now how that would work I don’t know. Maybe it will be 90 minutes of pictures of large events, and the audience has to find Waldo before the next picture comes up. Or maybe it will be just one picture, of the most difficult Waldo puzzle ever, and only the most skilled searchers in the world will be able to find him. I like to think I’m a skilled Waldo finder, as I’ve found him in under 17 minutes in one of the pictures in one of his books. . . and half the page was torn off. . .and someone circled him with a red crayon. I think I’ll do well with this movie.